Sunday, May 5, 2013

The Suicidal Situation

I guess the past two weeks or so have been leading up to this point.
I'll spare you the details, but the past few weeks have been really hard for me, which I really hate saying because in comparison to most of the world the worst days in my life here are not so bad.
But honestly they have been challenging. We all have those days where everything seems to go wrong, nobody has a good attitude, etc. Get enough of those days in a row and it takes a toll.
So that's where I was at - emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted.
Then today happened. All it took was one comment and I snapped.
All the emotion of the struggles that I had fought to keep contained erupted, and I found myself screaming at God from the depths of my soul:

WHY? Why am I here? It's suffocating, it's KILLING me!”

And God answered:

I know.”

I sobbed.

Why? Do you want me to die here? Is that what you want?”

And He said:


The word echoed off the walls of my heart.
That was what He wanted. He had been telling me that for the past two weeks.

Then He said to them all, 'If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.'”
-Luke 9:23

When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die.”
-D. Bonhoeffer

Somehow I hadn't fully grasped it until I asked.
Jesus wants me dead. Because it is only then that He can live in and through me.
I must die daily.
I must die to myself: my desires, my expectations, my dreams, my hopes, my ideas, my flesh, all and everything that is not Jesus Christ must die.

But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ,
by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.”
-Galatians 6:14

Today I die.

Aerin Marie
December 24th 1991 – May 5th 2013

I have been crucified with Christ;
it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.”
-Galatians 2:20a

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